Rated NC17

Summary: Post Endgame. After the Shinzon affair, Kathryn finds herself more isolated than ever. She goes to visit Chakotay to see if anything can be salvaged from their friendship. There are revelations aplenty.

Happy Birthday Dawn. I hope you have the best of days.

Disclaimer: CBS/Paramount owns everything. No infringement intended.

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Kathryn took a deep breath and raised her hand to his door chime. It hovered there, millimetres from the button for a few seconds and then dropped to her side. Giving a frustrated sigh, she turned away to pace back and forth across the porch. This was a nightmare.

She chided herself. ‘Oh, for God’s sake woman, press the goddamned button. What’s the worst that can happen?’ She frowned. ‘All right, he may not want to see you and that would be terrible, but you won’t be any worse off than you are now. You’re already miserable and a bit more isn’t going to make that much difference. Besides, ‘Miss Cup Half Empty’, it might be fine. He’ll probably be thrilled or, at the very least, pleased to see you. You’ll never know until you ring the damned chime.’

Her hand rose again and this time she pushed the button with a sharp and decisive stab. She heard it ring in the distance and her heart lurched into her throat as she heard the soft thud of footsteps nearing the door.

Fighting the urge to flee, she made a concerted effort to stand her ground, bringing herself to attention, locking her knees and looking straight ahead. While she was busy convincing herself not to run away, the door opened, and there he stood.

Kathryn gasped and Chakotay smiled.

For a split second it occurred to her that their reactions were completely back to front. By rights, he should be gasping and she should be smiling, but instead she cursed herself again, and damned him for being so calm. It just wasn’t normal.

“Kathryn!” Delighted, he stepped forward and pulled her into his arms. All the air whooshed from her lungs and she couldn’t speak. This was a different sort of nightmare and all she could do was return his embrace and hum a response. He let go abruptly and took a step back.

Holding her upper arms, he looked her up and down, smiling all the while. “You look wonderful. How have you been?”

She cleared her throat and hoped for the best. “Busy.” Relief. Her voice still worked.

He laughed. “I can imagine – Admiral Janeway.” Standing aside, he ushered her through the door. “Come in, come in. It’s so wonderful to see you. Would you like a coffee? I was just about to put the kettle on.” She raised her eyebrow and he laughed. “I thought so. Come on, the kitchen’s through here.”

She studied him as he walked her through his house. He looked wonderful; so at ease and happy. It did her good to see him this way.

As she watched him, a warm sense of peace began to wash over her and gradually all her trepidation and unease fled. By the time they stepped into the sunlit kitchen she couldn’t for the life of her remember why she’d been so worried. She smiled broadly. God it was good to see him. He was her best friend and she’d dearly missed his company and counsel.

“Have a seat, Kathryn. Would you like something to eat? I haven’t had lunch yet and I was just about to make a sandwich.”

“I certainly picked a good time to land on your doorstep. That would be lovely. Thank you.”

He stood there looking at her with a delighted smile, and after a long moment, he shook his head. “I can’t believe you’re here. It’s so good to see you.”

Her heart swelled and she returned his smile, her throat too tight to respond.

Turning to the sink, he filled the kettle and placed it on the cook top, then moved about the kitchen preparing their sandwiches. As he did so, he asked her about her work and her family.

She filled him in on her family’s movements during the last couple of months. “Phoebe has a new baby and she and her husband are planning to move to the Mars colonies in the new year. Mom is well, but spending quite a bit of time off-planet guesting at various mathematics conferences, but she’s back the week after next and mentioned that she was looking forward to seeing you again.” He raised his eyebrow at this; however Kathryn ignored the look and pressed on with her news.

She spoke only briefly about her work. “I’ve been very busy, as you can imagine but honestly too much has happened over the last month that I don’t even know where to start.” She glossed over it for now, but she was very aware of the note of tension in her voice.

He frowned as he listened, studying her carefully. She felt exposed but he’d always able to see past her posturing and pretence. The situation with the Romulan’s had impacted upon her profoundly, and she would discuss it with him later, but for now, the sandwiches were ready and it was time to eat.

He led her outside into the sunshine and she felt the pall of regrets lift a little more.

They sat at a small table in the shade of a large maple tree and chatted as they ate their lunch. An hour or so later, while they were sipping their second cup of coffee, Chakotay turned to her, his dark eyes warm with understanding. “So Admiral Janeway, how are you really? I’ve been following what happened with Shinzon and the Enterprise. Are you all right?”

Kathryn gave a derisive laugh and, unable to hide her bitterness, blurted. “Oh, I’m just fine. You don’t get hurt sitting behind a desk.” Chakotay raised his brows and looked at her. She regretted her outburst almost immediately. “Sorry.”

He reached across the table and rested his hand over hers lightly. “Don’t be sorry. You feel what you feel. Don’t disregard it; you’ve done that for far too long.”

Kathryn’s head snapped up and she pulled her hand slowly from under his. His stayed where it was, but curled into a loose fist.

She studied his face. He was right of course. The last seven years had been spent sublimating and repressing her feelings and it wasn’t healthy. Her sky rocketing blood pressure and constant migraines were a clear indication of that. She was no fool - she’d been home for just over four months and, in that time, her feet had barely touched the ground. Having literally leapt straight from the frying pan into the fire - from captaining a lost starship to the Admiralty - where she’d been caught up in the throes of the desperate and deadly confrontation with the Romulans and Remans. As the newly minted Admiral Janeway, she’d had to maintain a façade of aloof authority and stringent emotional control, but if she was truly honest with herself she was worn ragged and sick of the whole damned charade.

He smiled at her, indicating her cup. “Would you like a refill?”

“A third? I’ll be dangerous, but I’d love one, thank you.”

He chuckled. “So what’s new… Back in a minute.” He stood and she watched as he sauntered back into the kitchen. It was ridiculous, but just having him near, watching his familiar gestures and basking in the quiet calm of his presence, was having a restorative effect on Kathryn.

She was so sick of being lonely.

Coming home each night to an empty apartment was no compensation for all that she had to endure at work. She had notoriety and prestige, and had achieved her dream of becoming an Admiral, one of the youngest in Starfleet history, but, she’d realised belatedly, that it wasn’t what she really wanted or, in fact, needed. This existence was sucking the life out of her and more and more of ‘Kathryn’ was being lost each day. She had to do something about it before it was too late.

No one was strong enough to sustain the frantic pace and level of stress she was faced with constantly. Something was bound to give way eventually. She was suffering, and over the last few months she’d come to realise just how much she’d relied on her crew, and especially Chakotay, in those times of need. She’d been under the arrogant illusion that she’d coped so brilliantly captaining Voyager on her own, but it wasn’t so. Her crew had been her safety net, her pressure valve and she’d been remiss in not giving them due credit for what they’d done for her.

On Voyager with her one hundred and forty crew, she’d never felt as alone or isolated as she did here on Earth, surrounded by millions and it had taken her all these months to understand what she was suffering from. Plainly and simply, it was grief. Grief at losing her Voyager family and that wonderful sense of belonging that she’d fostered, but not truly embraced, for all those years in the Delta Quadrant.

She’d given lip service to the concept of Voyager being a family but, as dear as they all were to her, she’d felt beholden to them. The responsibility for stranding Voyager and her crew in the Delta Quadrant had fallen squarely on her shoulders and the underlying guilt had, rightly or wrongly, kept her aloof and hidden from them all as a sort of self imposed penance. That distance had become a yoke, dragging her down until she’d found herself at this low ebb. Lonely nights spent watching the world from her San Francisco apartment had given her a depth of insight that had been a long time coming. Several nights ago, while sitting alone in the dark, she’d made a promise to herself to do something about her life. Her new mission was to make amends and to change. She needed to let those closest to her get to know the real Kathryn Janeway and to thank them all, especially Chakotay, for what they’d done for her throughout the years. From those basics, she could start to build a new life.

That’s what had brought her here today. Essentially it was to apologise to Chakotay for taking him for granted but also to thank him for standing by her, no matter how appallingly she’d behaved and how manipulative she’d been. Her other, more personal agenda was to find out if there was any hope of them finding a way back to the easy camaraderie that she’d come to rely on so much in the Delta Quadrant. He had been so dear to her for so long that his absence had left a gaping hole in her life that she’d not been able to fill. Work and ambition were very poor substitutes and she now knew that she needed and deserved more. The spectre of Admiral Janeway haunted her and made her determined to live a more fulfilled life than that of her alternate self.

Simply put, she was lonely and she needed someone special in her life - someone who knew the real Kathryn and wasn’t intimidated or fazed by the great Admiral Janeway. They had to be her equal and a person who would cherish and sustain her so she, in turn, could love and nurture them.

But of course it wasn’t just someone she needed. It was even simpler than that. What she needed was the man she loved. She needed Chakotay.

This was all well and good but their homecoming hadn’t been quite what she’d imagined and she wanted to speak to him about that too. However, it wasn’t an easy conversation to start.

Oh, she was thrilled to be back on Earth and, if given the chance, would do exactly the same thing again but she did have her regrets and the man placing a fresh cup of coffee in front of her was top of the list.

“Kathryn?”

She gave him an apologetic smile and placed her hand over his. “Sorry, daydreaming.”

He nodded, taking his seat and she had the uncanny feeling that he knew exactly what she’d been thinking.

Pulling her hand away from his, she changed the subject. “Thank you for lunch. The sandwich was delicious. You were always a good cook.”

He grinned. “Ah, flattery will get you everywhere and certainly an invitation to dinner. Are you doing anything this evening? Can you stay?”

She smiled happily. “No, I’m not doing anything. That would be lovely. Thank you.”

He returned her smile. “It’s just so good to see you and there’s a lot to catch up on. What have you been doing since the end of the Shinzon incident? I imagine the fallout from that must have been terrible.”

Kathryn nodded. “Yes, and its ongoing. I’ve been involved in the negotiations with the new Romulan Senate. Shinzon’s actions destabilised the entire sector and its going to take some innovative diplomatic manoeuvring to avoid a complete collapse of the regional governments, but I don’t really want to talk about work. Do you mind?”

He shook his head. “Not at all. What would you like to talk about?”

“Tell me what you’ve been doing? I’ve been out of the loop for the last few weeks. How have you been?”

“I’ve been great and pretty busy myself. I’m teaching now, you know? You’re talking to Professor Chakotay, head of Palaeontology and Delta Quadrant Studies at Starfleet Academy.”

Kathryn laughed and lifted her coffee cup in salute. “Congratulations, Professor.” She sipped her coffee. “I had heard whispers actually. I try to keep tabs on everyone from the crew as best I can. It was a well deserved appointment. Are you enjoying it?”

“Well, it’s been an interesting few weeks. I’ve only just taken the chair and I’m still finding my way, but from what I’ve heard it seems to be going well. My students are happy and Delta Quadrant Studies is one of the most popular courses.”

“That’s wonderful, Chakotay. I’m so pleased for you. They’re lucky to have you.”

He smiled his thanks. “Icheb is in one of my classes. In fact he was living here for a time.”

Kathryn nodded and tamped down the burn of jealousy. “I suppose he left when Seven moved out.”

“No. He moved out to live at quarters at the Academy. Seven never actually lived here.”

Kathryn couldn’t hide her surprise. “Oh, really? I thought you’d left Voyager together. I just assumed.”

She watched as his eyes narrowed slightly and she tried very hard to mask her reaction. She’d always been adept at hiding her feelings and although she’d made a pact with herself to be less distant, it was a hard habit to break. His eyes were drilling into hers and she gave him a tentative smile, not really sure she wanted to know the answer to the unspoken question as to what had happened to Seven and Chakotay’s relationship.

“Seven and I did leave Voyager together, but we’d already parted ways. It was something that might have worked had we stayed in the Delta Quadrant, but as soon as the Admiral arrived, and I knew what the future held, everything changed. Thankfully.”

Kathryn frowned. “You knew? Admiral Janeway told you?”

“Yes. But only after I insisted. I couldn’t understand why you’d changed your mind so abruptly. One minute you were vehemently against going back into the nebula and then the next thing it was full steam ahead. I knew she must have told you something to make you change your mind. I visited her one night and insisted that she tell me. As soon as I knew, Seven and I called off our relationship. When we arrived on Earth, I escorted her to her Aunt’s and then came back here with Icheb.”

Kathryn could feel the blush creeping up her throat to her cheeks. “Oh. The Admiral actually told you what happened to Seven and you, and Tuvok?”

He nodded again. “Yes.”

She didn’t know what to say. She whispered another. “Oh.”

“She told me other things as well, Kathryn - about the other twenty-two crewmen, things about her life, her feelings and her dreams.”

Kathryn’s head shot up and she looked at him aghast. “She had no right.”

“She had every right. They were her feelings and dreams as much as they are yours and both our futures were at stake. Not to mention, Seven’s.”

Kathryn was confused. “I don’t understand.”

“Some things are just not right, Kathryn. My relationship with Seven was one of those things. They throw the cosmos out of alignment.”

“That’s a little extreme, don’t you think?”

“I don’t think so. I’ve been thinking about this since we got home. Look what happened in Admiral Janeway’s lifetime. Could you honestly tell me that any of us deserved what happened to us in that timeline? And I challenge you to explain this – where is Braxton and his Timeship? If things weren’t supposed to be this way, don’t you think they would have landed on our doorstep by now?” He gave her a telling look. “Nothing stopped him in the past. And where is Q? He always had a habit of dropping in and around temporal anomalies.”

Kathryn pondered his words. He had a point. Maybe the other timeline was the aberrant one and this one was the correct one. It would explain a lot. It seemed beyond cruel that in that other timeline she would lose the three people closest to her. One to death, one to a living hell and one to estrangement, and that didn’t take into account all the other crew who were lost and who had suffered. She looked up at him, still a little unsure.

He shook his head. “Kathryn Janeway, you’re the most stubborn, mule headed, frustrating and….” He looked into her eyes that were now wide with shock. “…. amazing and wonderful woman I’ve ever known. I love you.”

Her whole body jolted with shock at his words and she stammered. “You… you… love me?”

“Hell, yes, and I have for years. Don’t pretend that you didn’t know.”

“I didn’t. Well, not lately anyway. I thought you did once but ….” Kathryn took a deep breath and sat up straight. “I didn’t think you did anymore and I wouldn’t have blamed you. I wasn’t the easiest person to get along with, and after the Void, I thought you’d had enough of me.”

Chakotay frowned, memories of Kathryn’s depression still sat heavily on his heart. “After the Void, I did pull away. Not because I didn’t love you anymore, but because I thought that my attachment to you was just another burden you had to bear. I thought if I eased back it would be one less thing you had to worry about.”

She nodded her head. Her throat constricting to the point of being painful, she blinked rapidly, the unshed tears burning her eyes. She could see it all so clearly now. Her adherence to the rules had been the only means in which she could see her way clear to get them home, but it was a very lonely road to travel and she’d truly thought that she’d lost his love along the way. Now to find that it was always there and that even his withdrawal had been because he cared for her. Well, the revelation was both a relief and a heart ache. All that time wasted.

Kathryn’s voice was strained. “I’m sorry.”

He smiled, but his eyes were suspiciously bright. “Kathryn. You’ve nothing to apologise for. I understood. I really did. I only wish I could have done more to help you.”

“You did more than enough. You kept me sane and I was always so grateful for your support.” Her voice was starting to fail her and her next words came out in a gruff whisper. “I loved you too.”

“I hoped you did.” He leaned forward and placed his hand over hers again. “Do you still love me?”

Her voice had abandoned her completely now and if she opened her mouth she was going to cry. So instead, she nodded.

He squeezed her hand and smiled, then stood up. “I’ll get you another cup of coffee, shall I?”

She thought to make some sort of joke about this being her fourth cup, but all she could manage was a grateful smile as tears welled in her eyes and she watched him walk away. Taking some deep breaths she tried to get her emotions under some control. She was a mess and hated feeling so off kilter. Closing her eyes, she looked for that peaceful place within her and worked her way out from there. After taking another deep breath, she opened her eyes to find him standing on the other side of the table with her coffee in his hand, watching her.

“Are you all right, Kathryn?” His eyes held a look of gentle concern.

She smiled warmly. “Yes, I am thank you. I think, at long last, I am.”

With a smile that lit his whole face he placed her fresh coffee in front of her and sat down again. His warm and loving eyes met hers across the table and he whispered a heartfelt, “Welcome home, Kathryn.”

Her emotional control was short lived and she could feel her lips begin to tremble. She felt so foolish, but the emotional exposure of the afternoon and the tension filled weeks leading up to this, had left her vulnerable. Taking a shuddering breath she met his eyes. He read her distress and in a heartbeat she found herself being swept into his warm embrace. Strong arms enveloped her and he was murmuring quietly that everything would be all right. That only made the tears flow faster, and there, wrapped in his loving arms, Kathryn Janeway cried for the first time in almost eight years.

There were no histrionics, no wracking sobs, just a slow quiet outpouring of grief for all that had been lost, all that had been left behind and all that had been found.

He held her, slowly rocking backward and forward. His gentle crooning soothed her and she slowly calmed, but didn’t leave the comfort of his arms. For years she’d waited to be held like this, and she wasn’t planning on moving anytime soon.

She sniffed and he pulled back a little. “Are you all right, Kathryn?”

She didn’t move but sniffled again. “I’m just fine, thanks. You?”

“Pretty damn good actually.” She could hear the laughter in his voice and snuggled further into his chest.

Chakotay held her tighter.

She mumbled against his shoulder. “Thank you. You don’t know how much I needed to do that.”

Chakotay kissed her head and then pulled back again, sweeping her hair away from her face with gentle hands. “Oh, I think I do. I’ve known you a long time Kathryn Janeway and I know how your mind works.” He used his thumb to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “I bet you haven’t given yourself any time to come to terms with the voyage or our return home. Do you think at all about the Admiral and her life, or about your life, your wants and needs? It’s a bad habit that you need to break and I think it’s about time you did.”

She huffed a sad laugh. “I’d love to just throw everything aside and run off and do something frivolous, but I have responsibilities and I hate to remind you, you have too, Professor.”

He grinned. “I wasn’t suggesting running away, well not just yet, but I’d like to make some plans for next weekend. You’re not working...?”

She opened her mouth to tell him that there would no doubt be things she should be doing, but he was shaking his head and she slowly followed suit, shaking hers. “No, not working… well not anymore.” She couldn’t help a smile. “What have you got planned?”

“Not me, this time it’s up to you. What would you like to do? Is there somewhere in particular you’d like to visit, somewhere you wished you could see when you out in the Delta Quadrant.” She was looking at him blankly so he leaned closer, holding her gaze. “Somewhere you promised yourself you would visit once you were home. I know I had a list in my head. I’ve been to a few places but I still have a few to go. What about you, Kathryn?”

She thought for a moment. “I used to just dream of being home in Indiana. That was the place that gave me the most solace, but I remember you mentioning something about the Gulf of Mexico. Did you ever go there?”

Chakotay shook his head. “I always thought we’d go together, but when we weren’t…”

“I’d like to go there sometime.”

“Okay. It’s a date then. Next weekend we visit the Gulf of Mexico.”

“Just like that?”

“Why not?”

“Well, we can’t just take off like that.”

“Yes, we can. There’s nothing stopping us. The Federation is not going to implode if you have the weekend off.”

“I just… I don’t…I um…”

Chakotay tapped her forehead gently. “You’ve still got ‘Voyager brain’ haven’t you?”

Kathryn gave him an incredulous look. “What brain?”

“’Voyager brain’.” He smiled at her look. “It’s what Tom and Harry nicknamed the state of mind we were all in when we arrived home. We were stuck with that constant sense of impending doom and stress that we lived with day in, day out, on Voyager. We spent seven years at yellow alert, and it took a good deal of effort to rid ourselves of that sense of urgency.”

Kathryn was still frowning at him. “It wasn’t all bad.”

“No, it wasn’t, but there was rarely a time that we weren’t aware of our situation and the constant tension that created. You especially, Kathryn. Do you still dream about it? The Kazon, the Vidiians, the Borg. Do you wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, or roll over some mornings, wondering where you are and imagine hearing the blare of a red alert?”

Her eyes widened as she took a step away from him. He took her silence as a yes.

“You’re not the only one Kathryn. We’ve all experienced the same thing. Although, we’ve had each other to talk to and that’s been a big help. You need to let it go. It’s a wonderful feeling when you do.”

“I… how did you know?”

“I’m just telling you what the majority of the crew and I experienced when we got home. It only makes sense that you would suffer from the same thing.” He stroked her cheek gently. “Worse, most likely?”

She was still staring wide eyed and nodded slowly. “I’ve been tormented by nightmares for years, as you know, but they’ve been worse since we got home. Rarely a night goes by where I don’t wake up terrified or fighting for my life.” She gave a harsh laugh. “And there I was thinking I was the only one who wasn’t coping. I wish I’d spoken to you sooner.”

“So do I.” He bent his head down to look at her. “I’m here now and you’re welcome to unload as much as you like.”

“Thank you. Just knowing that I’m not going crazy is a big help.” She smiled. “The counsellors they assigned me were next to useless. Most of them thought that a deep space mission meant going to Risa for a week, and a few had never even been off-planet.”

Chakotay laughed. He could just imagine. Some of the ones assigned to him weren’t much better. “I tell you what Kathryn. We’ll make a pact, shall we? From now on, if there’s something you want to tell me, just tell me. We won’t psychoanalyse or dissect; we’ll just talk to one another about what we’re feeling, no matter how insignificant or ridiculous we think it may sound. How does that?”

“It sounds like a wonderful idea.” She smiled warmly. “Chakotay?”

He was stroking her cheek absentmindedly. “Hmmm.”

“I’m so glad I came to see you today.”

He grinned. “So am I sweetheart, so am I.”

Her mouth twisted into a familiar grin and she shook her head. “‘Sweetheart?’ Imagine what the crew would think if they could hear you calling me that.”

Smiling, he lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed her fingers. “I think they’d be thrilled.”

“Tom would have a field day.”

“I think you’re underestimating him. I know for a fact that he and B’Elanna would be very happy for us. They’ve known for a long time how I feel about you.”

Kathryn’s eyebrows shot up. “They do? How?”

“I told them, that’s how.” He chuckled as her eyes widened even further.

Her brow then crumpled into a frown. “Do you think that’s entirely appropriate, talking to them about your feelings for me?”

Chakotay pursed his lips trying not to laugh. “Yes, it’s entirely appropriate. They’re our friends and they care. They love you almost as much as I do and they want you to be happy. They’ve been worried about you too. We all have.”

Kathryn stepped out of his arms. “You’ve been discussing me, behind my back?”

Chakotay cursed himself; he should have known she’d react like this. “No, we haven’t been discussing you. We’ve been worried about you and people ask me about you. Tom and B’Elanna are as close as I have to family… if I can’t speak to them, I have no one.” He picked up her hand again and held it between his own. “As strange as it is to say this, considering I’m talking about Paris… they keep my two feet planted firmly on the ground.”

Kathryn tried to tug her hand away, but Chakotay refused to let go. He just kept looking at her, his kind eyes drilling into hers. It was a battle of wills that each was determined to win.

Suddenly Kathryn realised what she was doing. Old habits die hard. She didn’t need to ‘win’ this battle. There wasn’t a battle to win. Chakotay had already told her he was on her side and there for her, as he’d always been. The anger ebbed away.

What he’d said was true. Tom, B’Elanna, Harry and many other Voyager crew were his friends and hers too, if she was willing. Most of her colleagues and contemporaries from her younger years in Starfleet had either died in the Dominion war, moved to greener pastures or were elsewhere in the galaxy. It’s not as if she had so many friends that she could pick and choose, and besides, even if she could, those from Voyager would always be top of the list.

Her shoulders relaxed and her eyes softened. Slowly she turned her hand over and wove her fingers through his. “I should be grateful that anyone even cares. I’ve not been a good friend to you, Tom and B’Elanna, or anyone. I apologise.”

“There are no checks and balances when you’re someone’s friend, Kathryn. Good friends are there with you through the good and the bad. And they’re the only people in the world who will tell you the truth, no matter what.”

“That’s what you did with Ransom and the Equinox. You were saving me from myself like any good friend would do.”

Chakotay nodded. “Yes, but I was also saving the woman I loved. It was as much for me as it was for you.”

“You’re a stubborn man. I think I would have given up on me. I know I almost did.”

Chakotay frowned at that revelation. “I would never give up on you, my love. Ever. You never gave up on me. Did you?”

Kathryn thought for a moment and then shook her head. “No, I never did. As much as I loved you, and as upset as I was over your affair with Seven, I would still have been your friend, no matter what. So, no, I never gave up on you.”

Chakotay cupped her face in his large hands and kissed her sweetly on the lips. “Well, now that we have that settled, how about we have another cup of coffee and if you’re up to it, maybe you could tell me about Shinzon.”

They spent a wonderful afternoon together. Kathryn took him through the entire incident with Shinzon and the Enterprise. She told him how she’d felt so impotent sitting behind that desk, telling Jean Luc Picard, in so many words, to ‘fix it’. It was also an opportunity to tell Chakotay of the terrible losses, and her guilt, especially in regard to Data’s death. Her eyes misted over when she told him of the Enterprise crew’s devastation over his loss. Every Captain endures losing crewmembers, but some are more deeply felt than others are, and Data would be sorely missed by all his friends and shipmates.

It felt good to talk about her anger and frustration with someone who understood and knew not to sit there offering hollow and meaningless platitudes. She felt so much better than she had this morning and was so glad she’d made the effort to come and visit.

For their dinner that evening, Chakotay took her to a local Italian restaurant where they ate a simple meal of homemade pasta and drank a bottle of cheap Chianti. For Kathryn it was the most delicious meal she’d had in months, but she was well aware that the company had much to do with her improved appetite and good humour. They finished the evening with a gelato in a cone, eating it as they made their way back to her house.

Chakotay walked Kathryn to her front door and she keyed in her code. “Would you like to come in?”

He shook his head. “Thank you, Kathryn, I’d like nothing more but I should head home. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

She felt unaccountably disappointed that he wasn’t going to come in. It was stupid of her, but she felt like she’d failed somehow. It was ridiculous but he must have sensed her disappointment.

“If I come in, I may not leave and I think, as much I want that more than my next breath, it’s too soon. Don’t you agree?”

He was right of course, but that still didn’t mean that she didn’t want to punch him. How dare he be so sensible and caring? It wasn’t normal, but then again, this was Chakotay and their relationship she was talking about. When had that ever been ‘normal’?

She nodded. “If I give you a grudging yes, do you understand just how much I love you?”

Reluctant to go, he hovered for a moment longer but he was being a gentleman, bless him. Mind you, she could have done with a little less gentleman and a bit more angry warrior, however she wanted him to be comfortable as well. They had only begun to rebuild their relationship, she had great faith that it would be a success and they would travel the rest of life’s highway together but for now, she was going to have to be patient. Not one of her greatest attributes.

He kissed her goodbye on the doorstep - a gentle sweet kiss and then she watched him walk off into the night. Once he was out of sight, she slipped through the open door and, sighing, leant back against it until it shut. In less than twenty-four hours, her life had taken a dramatic and most pleasant turn. A completely new path had opened up to her and she could look forward to many happy years ahead with Chakotay by her side. She hugged herself and had an overwhelming urge to squeal, but held herself in check. The neighbours thought she was strange enough already – the lady Admiral who’d spent seven years in the Delta Quadrant. She took a deep breath and tried to decide whether or not she should have glass of wine or go straight to bed when there was a loud pounding on the door and she nearly jumped out of her skin. She leapt away from it, yanked it open and stared.

It was Chakotay. Her heart thundered in her chest, her eyes wide. “Chakotay?!!”

He looked a bit bewildered and breathless too. “Kathryn, I… It’s… We… Oh, hell!” And with that he took a giant step forward, hauled her into his arms and slammed his lips on hers. They stumbled and fumbled their way through the doorway and she waved wildly trying to catch the door and close it. She connected at last and it slammed shut.

Chakotay wrenched his mouth away from her at the sound and gave a disjointed account of what happened. “I tried. I really did. Half a block, I made it, then thought -what I was doing? God, I love you, Kathryn. I don’t want to be apart from you ever again and there I was, walking away again. All I could see was your face, so I spun around and came back. If you want me to go, I will, I just had to tell you that…”

She grabbed his face between her hands and stared at him. “Chakotay… shut up!” and with that she pulled his head towards her and pressed her lips to his. She pushed him up against the closed door and began to pull at his clothes.

He mumbled against her mouth. “Bedroom?”

“Don’t care.” And she truly didn’t. If they finished up making love on the floor by the door that was fine with her.

He swung them around and her back thudded against the door, his body pressing into hers. Her hands were under his shirt, skimming over the smooth skin of his chest and abdomen. His hands had found their way into her bra, her breasts spilling over the cups as he kneaded them.

Dragging his lips away from hers, he began to kiss his way from her jaw, over the hollow of her throat and down her chest, his whiskers rasping at the delicate skin, leaving a trail of goose bumps in his wake. Her nipples were hard and begging to be touched and her body warmed, a flush of blood spreading from her middle to her neck and groin. She threw her head back and moaned. “Oh, god.”

He made short work of her blouse, pulling it apart and off whilst they both kicked off their shoes. Panting they stared at each other and time seemed to stand still, then, after taking a few ragged breaths, the urgency returned. Tearing off the rest of their clothes, their mouths met in a grinding kiss and Chakotay pushed her against the door again.

The press of naked flesh on naked flesh took Kathryn’s breath away, the cool of the timber on her back and the heat of his body on her front sent shivers down her spine and her knees to jelly. She gasped.

He hoisted her off the ground and her arms draped around his shoulders as she hung on for dear life. Her legs wrapped around his hips and he slid inside her in one easy thrust.

She cried out and he stilled. Panting into her face, he kissed her lips and her cheeks gently. “Are you all right? I’m sorry.”

Her body rocked against his, pushing him deeper; she had no control and groaned into his mouth before she kissed him. “No, it’s wonderful, wonderful. So good.”

He heaved and grunted as he thrust into her and Kathryn’s fingers dug into the taut skin of his shoulders. She wanted him deeper, harder but she couldn’t get leverage and whispered loudly. “The couch.”

Chakotay swung her away from the door and carried her towards the living area. They toppled onto the large settee still joined. He began to thrust in earnest as she opened herself wide. Kathryn countered his thrusts and pushed hard against him, tightening her inner muscles, trying to drag him deeper.

Through growling moans, he hissed urgently. “I can’t hold back. Oh god. Kathryn. I’m coming.”

She could feel him swell inside her, the delicious friction sending shards of delight to her core and she whispered to him. “Come. I want to feel you.”

Thrusting deeply, he seized, his body rigid and then with a groan he ground into her, ragged thrusts punctuated by muffled endearments as he emptied himself into her depths. Kathryn held him tightly, holding his head to her breasts as he gasped through his climax. Still gulping air, he collapsed onto her, kissing her breasts and rocking slowly within her. She hadn’t come and her belly fluttered, desperate for release.

Chakotay’s hand snaked down between them and pressed against her clitoris, rubbing it firmly until her body arched and she was carried on a pulsing wave of bliss. He held her to him, cradling her while she writhed beneath him, her face caught in a grimace of ecstasy. Slowly her body relaxed and her breathing calmed.

Kathryn looked up at Chakotay and smiled. She was exhausted, but sated and secure. “Thank you.”

He grinned. “No, thank you.”

She chuckled quietly. “Our own little mutual admiration society.” Her lips met his for a deep kiss and then she pulled back and smiled. “Well, that was a surprise. I’m glad you came back.”

“So am I. I don’t know what I was thinking when I left.”

Kathryn laughed. “An aberration. I’m sure you won’t do it again.”

“You have my word on that.” He was running the back of his fingers over her cheek and down her neck; his hand cupped her breast, his thumb flicking over her nipple. He bent down and kissed it. “I can’t stop touching you.”

“Do you hear me complaining?”

He smiled and laved her breast. Kathryn’s breath caught and she sighed. “Bed?”

“Is it far?”

“We made it back from the Delta Quadrant, I think we can manage getting to the bedroom.”

“Yes, but when we were out there I wasn’t still inside you after having made love.” He thrust against her gently. “This will add another dimension to the journey.”

“True, but it’s a big bed and a very comfortable one. Trust me.”

“Always. Lead the way, Admiral.”

“Forward ho, Professor.”

**********************************

Kathryn woke the next morning with Chakotay’s warm body pressed against hers and before even opening her eyes, she gave a satisfied sigh. His arm was tucked protectively around her and he was snoring softly. Turning slightly to watch him sleep she smiled to herself. Was it only yesterday that she so hesitantly pressed the chime on his front door, hoping against hope that they could still be friends? Staying up half the night making wild and passionate love hadn’t been part of the plan but she was so glad that they’d decided to improvise. They seemed to be good at it. All those years of making-do in the Delta Quadrant had trained them well. It seemed unbelievable but, as she ran her hand up his chest and felt the steady beat of his dear heart, he truly was there, in her bed, living proof that dreams do come true.

She could kiss goodbye the spectre of the other Admiral Janeway, no more lonely nights and empty days. Her life would be full and rich. Chakotay had made plans for them to spend the following weekend in the Gulf of Mexico and right before he’d fallen asleep last night, he’d mumbled something about packing some of his things to bring to her house. It made her heart swell to think of him moving in with her, sharing her home and her life. Her heart soared.

They were meeting Tom and B’Elanna for lunch and she couldn’t wait to see them but it was only early and there was plenty of time. Heaving another sigh, she snuggled back into Chakotay’s arms, relishing the feeling of being where she belonged. She was home at last.

fin