Rated NC17

Summary: This was the spare Secret Santa I wrote that went to Anne TM. Kathryn has a specific request for Christmas, which catches Chakotay off guard.

A big thank you to Kim J for the beta both before and after posting. lol Ta mate.

Disclaimer: CBS/Paramount owns everything. No infringement intended.

*******************

“Come on, Kathryn. There must be something that you need or want for Christmas.”

He was sitting next to her on the couch in her Ready Room and the question had come as a postscript to the morning report.

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. There were several glaringly obvious responses to that question but none of them were within the realm of possibility.

What she needed was to go home; a quick, hassle-free trip back to the AQ would be top of her list. But after all these years of near misses and almost been’s, she’d given up on that happening anytime soon.

Coming in a close second in the ‘want’ category happened to be the person sitting beside her - Chakotay. Having him for Christmas would certainly put a sparkle in the decidedly lacklustre-at-present festivities. That particular ‘gift’ unfortunately was also out of the question. So, she equivocated for the umpteenth time and waved her hand dismissively as she turned to pick up another PADD.

“A couple of coffee rations will do.”

She heard a huff of irritation from her companion and although he was unaware of the reasons for her ambivalence, she felt a pang of regret that she was causing him so much trouble.

But her hands were tied...

Oh no! She froze and with that thought, her mind veered off on an entirely inappropriate tangent – soft silk scarves, her body spread-eagled, sensual touches, thundering pulse, skin on fire, honey coloured hands, full lips, arching hips …

“Kathryn, why are you hissing?”

She jumped at the rude interruption to her fantasy and although unaware that she’d been making a noise, she smacked her lips shut just the same.

He chuckled. “You sound like you’ve sprung a leak.”

Avoiding his eyes, she laughed unconvincingly and shrugged. “That’s my thinking sound.”

“You have a thinking sound? That’s news to me.”

Kathryn gave him a withering look then turned back to the PADD she was pretending to read. “I’ve got work to do, Commander. Can we talk about this later, please?”

“Okay, over dinner then. Tonight? If you have nothing on.”

Nothing on!

Oh god! She almost groaned aloud as another delectable mental image flashed through her mind - her naked body draped over his equally unclothed form. She swallowed and resisted the urge to fan herself with the PADD she was holding. Instead, she nodded and answered in a wavering voice. “Sounds nice.”

He leaned close, his face caught in a frown of genuine concern. “Are you all right? You look a bit flushed. Perhaps you should go down to sickbay and have the Doctor check you over. That Enusian Flu is still going around and you don’t want to come down with that.” As an added agony, he lifted his hand and gently placed the back of his fingers against her brow.

Oh hell! Kathryn shivered but at the same time mentally chided herself for her pathetic display. She was a grown woman, for crying out loud, not some oversexed adolescent who swooned at the touch of her latest infatuation. This was damned ridiculous.

His fingers drifted past her temple to press against her cheek and before she knew what was happening, she was leaning into his caress. With a jolt, she realised what she was doing and jagged her head away as she pushed his hand down. “I’m perfectly fine, thank you. The Doctor immunised me; there’s nothing wrong with me.”

“You think?”

If she wasn’t so flustered she might have laughed at the incredulous look on Chakotay’s face but she really wasn’t in a laughing mood. Instead, she gave him a thin-lipped look, sat ramrod straight and like a prudish old spinster – which she feared was closer to the truth than she cared to contemplate – snapped at him again. “Commander, that attitude is uncalled for.”

It was Chakotay’s turn to look annoyed. He shook his head and began to stand. “Forget it, Kathryn. I just wanted to make this Christmas special but that was obviously a mistake. I won’t bother you again.”

Damn it. Now she’d offended him and that hadn’t been her intention. Clasping his forearm gently, she shrugged apologetically. “Chakotay, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

He sat down beside her again but she knew what he was going to say and forestalled him. “And no, I don’t need to see the Doctor. I’m not sick.” She tossed the PADD onto the coffee table and slumped back, folding her arms across her chest, aware that her body language spoke volumes.

He turned towards her and his earnest look of understanding made her want to scream, but it was just typical of him to be so thoughtful. So of course, she found it impossible to stay irked with him for long.

She tried not to tremble when he gave her a comradely pat on the knee. “I know it’s a difficult time of year, Kathryn. It is for a lot of the crew but try to enter into the spirit of the season. It would do the crew a world of good to see you happy and enjoying the festivities.”

Reconciled to her fate, she let her shoulders droop. “Don’t worry, ‘fake happy’ I can do. I’ve had years of practice.” She sounded churlish and tried very hard to smile and soften the rancour in her tone but Kathryn knew he was unimpressed.

Feeling his dark eyes studying her, she returned his gaze with a frank one of her own but her silent goading had no effect. She could see his mouth begin to quiver with poorly suppressed amusement. Laughter sparkled in his eyes and it was inescapably contagious. Unable to help herself, Kathryn’s eyes crinkled at the corners and she felt a chuckle start to bubble up inside her. Shaking her head in resignation, her face broke into a broad smile and she elbowed him playfully.

“You’re evil, you know?”

He lost the battle and laughed at her. “I’m not the evil one.”

In a very uncaptain-like gesture, she retaliated by poking out her tongue at him. “You realise of course that you’re ruining my perfectly good Scrooge routine. Bah humbug to you.”

“I’ll give you points for trying, but that twinkle in your eye is a dead giveaway. It’s good to see you smile, though, and it wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“No, but you, my friend, are incorrigible and will be getting nothing more than a lump of coal for Christmas.”

“That’s the spirit, Kathryn.”

He grinned at her and she was nearly bowled over by the wave of affection that hit her broadside. She kept smiling but her throat had tightened and she had an awful feeling that she was going to cry.

Kathryn was really starting to hate this holiday season.

Surely, there was some belligerent alien or hungry space-dwelling organism close by to take her mind off her misery. But before she began to wallow again and ruined Chakotay’s day completely, she pivoted to her feet and scooped up the discarded PADD.

“Well, Christmas or not, I still have work to do and if you want me to make it to dinner tonight, I’d better knuckle down and get something done.”

Chakotay stood as well and still smiling, ushered her before him down the stairs to the lower level of her office.

Taking her seat behind her desk, she nodded at him as he moved towards the door.

He stopped just before they opened. “I’ll see you around 1900 and, in the spirit of the holidays, let’s not wear uniforms.”

It was on the tip of her tongue to ask if she should just turn up naked but she bit back the words and smiled benignly. “1900 is fine and I’ll try my best to be festive. See you then.”

“Don’t work too hard, Kathryn.”

She pretended to fling the PADD towards him. “Scoot before I change my mind.”

With a broad grin, he turned and was gone.

* * *

The doors snapped shut behind him and Kathryn’s smile faded almost instantly. After heaving a heartfelt sigh, she let her head drop into her hands. Pressing the heels of her palms into her eye sockets, she tried, without success, to erase the constant slideshow of erotic images running through her mind. They all involved her and Chakotay in varying states of undress, indulging in a veritable cornucopia of sexual escapades. Over the years, these fantasies had been a delightful aside and an enjoyable diversion, but of late, they’d become an annoying distraction and she was at a loss as to why, or how to stop them.

Sitting back and looking up at the ceiling, she wondered idly if it could do a person damage to continually think these thoughts and to spend most of one’s existence in a constant state of semi-arousal. It couldn’t be good for the nerves involved; they would have to give out eventually from either lack of use or continuous over-stimulation. She’d been tempted to ask the Doctor about this for some time, but couldn’t bear to bring up the subject; the embarrassment of her cross-examination would be too much to endure.

It had occurred to her to employ the old standby of erasing the holographic physician’s memory after the fact, but she had a sneaking suspicion that since the last EMH debacle, he and Seven had put measures in place to prevent that from happening again. So here she was, as horny as hell with nothing she could do about it except head back to her quarters and indulge in some less than satisfying masturbation before continuing on with her evening.

It just seemed to her that as the years passed, it was becoming more and more difficult to justify her strict adherence to protocols and regulations, particularly the one regarding interpersonal relationships. What she dearly wanted to do was to tell Chakotay how she felt about him, how much he meant to her, and then turn some of her fantasies into realities.

Would it really be so terrible?

She knew that the crew wouldn’t mind and those closest to them - namely Tom, B’Elanna, Harry and even Tuvok - would more than welcome the change. It was common knowledge that the vast majority of the crew spent an inordinate amount of time speculating about their command team’s relationship. She also was aware that there were several betting pools devoted to the subject and, contrary to what Chakotay thought, that didn’t faze her.

The crew would bet on just about anything and it was hardly something new. Besides, she hadn’t always been a captain. Once upon a time, in the dim, dark past, she’d been an eager ensign too and overly interested in the private lives of her superiors. Her only real qualm was whether or not she and Chakotay could keep their relationship off the Bridge and just as importantly, the Bridge out of their bedroom.

She was fairly certain that they could find a balance but she wasn’t absolutely certain, and this had become the persistent stumbling block in her plans to move forward.

There was also the small matter of whether or not Chakotay would still be interested. New Earth and those heady early days of their unacknowledged courtship were far behind them now. There was always the chance that he’d moved on but she didn’t think so; she would have heard via the grapevine if he were involved with someone. Their friendship was as close as ever and that reassured her, but then again, it was a different thing altogether to expect that he might still want to be her lover.

‘Her lover’. Her lower abdomen did a strange flip-flop with the thought but at the same time, she felt an overwhelming urge to bang her forehead on the desktop in frustration. This was driving her crazy. This seesawing of emotions was causing her no end of grief and she would be more than grateful if these sensations would just vanish so she could get on with captaining the ship without the constant distraction. Nevertheless, she also loved the frissons of delight that trickled down her spine at the sight of him and the swelling warmth in her groin when he was nearby. They made her feel alive.

And his scent - that distinctive warm spice that was his alone - was enough to make her weak at the knees. Kathryn knew she was pathetic but it seemed that even after all these years, she could do nothing about how she felt. She was addicted with not hope of rehabilitation.

Her shoulders slumped in resignation. There would be no resolution to the problem today and she was destined to continue with these circular arguments for the rest of her natural life, and then some - she thought cynically.

Huffing with irritation, she picked up the PADD that she’d been so diligently avoiding and concentrated on its contents, finally placing her thumbprint to the longwinded engineering report. Now on a roll, she ploughed through the rest of the reports without taking a break and finished with an hour to spare before she was due at Chakotay’s for dinner.

Kathryn exited her Ready Room, wished the beta shift a quiet evening, then left the Bridge for deck three.

* * *

Stepping through the door of her quarters, she was met by the quiet emptiness of the room and shivered. She loved this tiny space; it was the closest thing she had to a home, but all of a sudden, it didn’t feel very homey or inviting. Basically, she was sick of being alone. It would be so nice to be able to come home to someone; to share the ups and downs of her day, to be each other’s foil and champion. Surely, it wasn’t too much to ask for, even in their situation. It only stood to reason that a happy and contented captain was a better captain than one who was stressed and tense all the time. Wasn’t it merely common sense?

Her pleading inner monologue smacked of desperation and she realised that she was grasping at straws and needed to stop.

Giving herself a quick mental shake, she headed towards the bathroom.

A shower and change of clothes later, Kathryn stood in front of her dressing table mirror and studied the face before her. It was the same one that had stared back at her for a little over four decades, but there was a dour set to her mouth these days and an emptiness in her eyes that was worrying. She was too young to have given up, and that’s how she looked – like someone who had thrown in the towel. She wished it wasn’t so.

In an attempt to at least give the impression that she’d made some effort, she dabbed on a bit of makeup and some perfume. She looked a little better with some colour in her cheeks and, wearing her comfortable blue pantsuit rather than her uniform, she felt human for a change. Running her fingers through her hair to encourage the natural wave, she stood back and surveyed the result of her three-minute makeover. She wouldn’t be winning any beauty pageants but it was an improvement on the schoolmarmish look of her usual straight-laced uniform and helmet hair.

While she was deciding what wine to take with her, her combadge chirped.

“Chakotay to Janeway.”

“Janeway here.”

“Dinner’s getting cold, Kathryn. Are you coming?”

‘Coming?’ Oh how she wished that were so, but she bit back the words and quickly checked the time. It was almost 1930. “Oh, I’m sorry, Chakotay, I wasn’t watching the clock. I’m on my way.”

There was laughter in his voice as he replied. “I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t fallen asleep in the bath and drowned. That would put a bit of a dampener on the evening.”

“Oh very funny, Commander. What would you like to drink? Red or white?”

“We’re having risotto, so white would be great.”

“White wine coming up. See you in two minutes.”

“Don’t get lost on the way.”

“Ouch, was that supposed to be funny?”

“Well, yes. Did you want me to come and get you?”

“Oh, I think I can manage to navigate my way ten paces up the corridor.”

While they’d been talking, she’d retrieved a bottle of pinot gris from the replicator and was now almost at his door.

“It’s no bother.”

“Just open the door, Chakotay before I phaser it and you’re caught in the crossfire.”

The door slid open in front of her and Chakotay grinned at her from where he was standing at the replicator. “Should I duck?”

Kathryn gave him a wry smile but her eyes were drawn to the dining table. It was set with candles and a small vase of peace roses; he’d dimmed the lighting in the room and soft music played in the background. If she didn’t know better, she would have thought that the room was set for a seduction.

But perhaps that was merely wishful thinking; it seemed to be the way her mind worked these days.

Chakotay gestured with a sweep of his arm, “Dinner awaits,” and gallantly pulled out her chair. He waited until she was seated and then took his place opposite.

Kathryn handed him the bottle of wine and after opening it, he poured them each a glass. Lifting his, he tilted it towards her. “Here’s to all your wishes coming true.”

Kathryn stared at him, startled by his ability to pluck words from her head. It was unnerving to say the least, but not wanting to have to answer awkward questions, she quickly recovered and tapped her glass against his. “To wishes.”

He nodded his approval of the wine and then picked up the basket of bread rolls and offered her one. Kathryn declined but took a mouthful of her risotto. “This is delicious.”

“Good, I’m glad you like it.” He bit into his bread roll and smiled at her as he chewed.

Kathryn returned the smile but couldn’t think of anything else to say. She suddenly felt self-conscious and awkward; any witty repartee simply vanished from her mind. They ate in silence for several minutes, smiling at one another until the quiet became like a living thing between them. Kathryn was virtually squirming in her seat.

She gulped down her wine and poured herself another glass, taking a couple more healthy swigs before she placed it back on the table.

Just when she thought she might explode, Chakotay asked her. “Have you thought anymore about what you want for Christmas?”

At her wit’s end, Kathryn dropped her fork on her plate, wiped her mouth with her napkin, and then stared at him. The words left her lips before she realised that her brain had even processed the thought.

“I want to have sex.”

Once the words were out, there was no retrieving them. Her declaration had startled her almost as much as it had Chakotay, but she’d never seen anyone pale quite as fast as he did in that moment. The blood drained from his face almost instantly and she thought for an awful moment that he might faint dead away - face-first into his risotto.

The silence lingered for several moments and Kathryn began to feel incredibly uncomfortable. He was obviously having a great deal of trouble processing the concept of her wanting to have sex or the fact that she was even remotely interested in the subject. As time ticked away, she began to feel more and more foolish.

Eventually, he swallowed – audibly - and then leaned forward. “You want to have sex?”

Kathryn nodded. She figured she would try to make the best of a bad situation and keeping things on a professional level seemed like a good idea. Allowing for the subject matter, however, she knew that it was going to be nigh impossible.

“With me?”

Kathryn nodded again. “But only if you’re willing. It’s not an order or anything. It’s just that it’s been such a long time for me and, quite frankly, I think I’m going crazy.” He still looked flummoxed so she rambled on, in the hope of reassuring him. “There would no obligation; no onus on you to do anything else.”

His face was rapidly turning from white to red and Kathryn inwardly cursed herself. This wasn’t going as she’d imagined it would – which was hardly a surprise considering she’d never imagined actually saying any of this aloud.

Chakotay’s look of shock verging on horror, was, if nothing else, disconcerting and although she was tempted to turn tail and run, Kathryn gritted her teeth and sat there grimly waiting for him to say something more. Hopefully it would be along the lines of an enthusiastic affirmative and he would sweep her into his arms, but as usual, it didn’t happen like that.

His face was unreadable. “No obligation?”

She shook her head. “None.”

“I know this may seem like a strange question, but why? After all these years, why now?”

The only conceivable answer was the truth, so she plunged on. “Because I haven’t had sex in nearly six years and I’m going insane.” She tried to sound matter-of-fact but had a feeling that she was merely proving her point in regard to the tenuous state of her mental health. “I know I should be able to control my urges but you have to grant that six years is a long time in anyone’s book.”

Chakotay stared again and stuttered incredulously. “Six years? Kathryn that’s … What about the holodeck?”

She screwed up her nose and shook her head. “I’ve never been into holosex.”

He huffed a near laugh and with a puzzled frown commented. “It’s better than nothing. My god, six years; it’s a wonder you’re not stark raving mad.”

Kathryn was starting to become more than a little indignant; she hadn’t expected his attitude to be quite so argumentative or that he’d be so thoroughly amused.

Now she was having trouble meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry I asked; just forget it. Can you pass a bread roll?”

“Kathryn. You can’t ask me to have sex with you, completely out of the blue like that, then change your mind and get snitty about it. You started this and now I want to finish it. Is this why you’ve been behaving strangely over the last few months?”

“Probably - but I don’t want to talk about it anymore. The idea is obviously so abhorrent to you that I think we’d better forget I ever mentioned it.”

“It’s not abhorrent, far from it.”

“Don’t patronise me either.” Now she was getting really peeved. How dare he!

“I’m not being patronising. I’m just not sure of your motivation.”

“My motivation? I want to have sex. I want an orgasm that isn’t self-administered and I want to be close to another warm body. It’s not that complicated.”

“It’s not that simple either. Kathryn, you haven’t had sex for six years; do you realise what a responsibility that is for the person you plan to have sex with… namely me?”

“Responsibility? What the hell are you talking about?”

“What if it’s not what you expect? What if we’re physically incompatible?”

“Physically incompatible?! I can assure you that all my bits are where they’re supposed to be. Is there something you’re not telling me, Commander?”

“No, no, that’s not what I mean. I’ve got the required equipment and – last time I checked - it’s all in its rightful place, too.” He stood and Kathryn watched as he marched back and forth a few times before he looked at her again. “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but could I have some time to think it over?”

“You need time to think about whether or not you want to have sex with me?” She stood up and headed towards the door. “I’ll take that as a no. Thank you for dinner. Good night.”

* * *

Before she died a thousand deaths from the humiliation, Kathryn strode out of his quarters and within seconds made it to her door. But instead of holing up inside, she tossed her combadge through the opening and headed straight to the turbo lift. He would come after her but, with any luck, the unanswerable combadge in her quarters would give her a little time to digest what had just happened and re-establish her defences. They’d been cruelly breached in that little foray.

This was one Christmas she wanted to forget.

What an idiot she was. What an absolute fool. Still, Kathryn wasn’t the only one and she wasn’t sure if she could ever forgive him for being such a boorish and unthinking clod.

Her feelings were dreadfully hurt, but the pain was so thoroughly overshadowed by humiliation that she couldn’t even summon tears. All she really wanted to do was curl up in a ball somewhere and hope that the ground would open up and swallow her.

She knew she’d landed her request on him without any warning, but his reaction was extraordinarily callous and unkind. How could someone who purported to be her friend treat her like that?

Her only option was to be proactive and to take matters into her own hands, so to speak. The holographic research lab on deck six was empty and she slipped through the door and initiated the privacy lock. If Chakotay was such a connoisseur of holosex and obviously preferred it to the real thing, then she’d make do with it as well so that she would never have to humiliate herself again. It was a little daunting, though. With regards to using hologram for sex, her track record so far hadn’t been all that encouraging.

The rather unfortunate Lord Burleigh and the bumbling attentions of Michael Sullivan had been huge disappointments and she’d always had trouble removing herself from the fact that she was kissing photons and force fields. But her reluctant First Officer had left her with no choice. Holding fast to the tattered remnants of her dignity, she vowed that there was no way in hell she was ever going to ask Chakotay again.

He’d blown his chance and it was his loss.

“Computer, open holo-character parameters and access menu. Download the template for a human male, age range between forty five and fifty, eyes blue, height one hundred and eighty-five centimetres with rugged good looks – no dimples.”

“Preferred hair colour?”

Kathryn thought about it for a moment and decided that she wanted something as far removed from her first officer as she could find. “Blond.”

The head and torso of a handsome, naked blond man appeared in front of her and as she moved from behind the console to see the rest of him, she almost groaned with despair. “Computer, add male genitalia.”

“Specify size.”

This time Kathryn did groan and muttered. “Average size.”

The requested genitals magically appeared and Kathryn eyed them, then sighed. There was just no getting away from the fact that this wasn’t the real thing. Although they looked, for all intents and purposes, like a perfectly acceptable penis and testicles, there was something unnerving about the fact that they could appear out of nowhere at a request made to a disembodied computer.

What was to stop them from disappearing at an inappropriate moment or, god forbid, turning into something else entirely due to an all-too-common holodeck malfunction? Instead of being turned-on, Kathryn stared at the flaccidity of her blond Adonis’ family jewels and all the pent up desire she’d been feeling dissipated as she slumped back against the console and heaved a weary sigh.

“Computer, delete hologram.”

The nude blond effigy disappeared and Kathryn was alone once more. So much for that experiment. Now all she felt was bone tired, emotionally spent and depressed. As tempting as it was to return to her quarters, replicate a bottle of liquor and drown her sorrows, an early night would be a better remedy for what ailed her. So, swallowing her regrets, and trying to think of a way to avoid Chakotay for the next ten years, she turned towards the doors.

“Disengage privacy lock, Janeway pi one, one, zero.”

The doors slid open and she almost slammed into Chakotay, who was standing there blocking her way. He’d been waiting on the other side of the closed doors.

Without missing a beat, she stepped back and snapped. “Computer, close doors and re-engage privacy lock.”

The doors closed again but not before he’d shouldered his way through. “Computer, belay that. For spirit’s sake, Kathryn!”

Her right hand automatically went up to her left breast but then she remembered she wasn’t wearing her combadge.

He extended his hand. “Looking for this?” Her badge lay in his open palm.

As petty as it sounded, she didn’t want to touch him or be anywhere near him.

Although well practiced in the art of hiding her emotions, she was virtually catatonic with shame. When he stepped forward, reaching towards her to pin her combadge back on, she snatched it from his hand and moved to the other side of the console to clip it on herself. “I don’t need your help with this. In fact, I don’t need your help with anything. Would you please leave?”

“I’m sorry, Kathryn.”

“Yes. Well, so am I. Please go.”

“I’d like to talk about it. I think we should.”

Kathryn closed her eyes for a heartbeat and tried to centre herself. Well, if he wouldn’t go, then… “Excuse me, Commander.” She moved around the console and headed towards the doors.

Before she got within a metre of them, he barked. “Computer, lock doors, Chakotay alpha, omega, four, seven.”

Kathryn spun towards him, anger swamping her humiliation. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”

“Please, Kathryn. I need to speak to you about what happened tonight and why I did what I did.”

“It’s plainly obvious why you did what you did; you don’t need to spell it out for me. For pity’s sake, spare me that indignity at least.” She was determined to get through this and if pretending that it was of no consequence was the only way she could see to save face, that’s what she’d do. “It’s fine. You don’t want to have… to sleep with me. That’s your choice. I really don’t want to rehash all this. I apologise for embarrassing you and putting you in an awkward position. It’s why they have those regulations in the first place, I suppose. I just can’t talk about it now.” Her voice began to falter. “Please.”

He took a tentative step towards her but she moved behind the console once more.

Chakotay continued undaunted. “Kathryn, firstly there is nothing I want more than to make love to you but therein lies the problem. You said you wanted sex but that’s not what I want – not entirely. I was taken by surprise. You seemed so cold-blooded and unemotional about it and there’s no way in the world that I could just have sex with you. I love you too much for that.”

Incredulous, she huffed. “Me, cold-blooded!?” Then what he’d said finally filtered past her indignation. “You love me?”

“Of course I do. You have to know that.”

“I thought I did, but when you looked so mortified, I thought...” She hunted for the right word. “…otherwise.” It wasn’t quite what she was looking for.

He shook his head and smiled as he extended his hand. “Can you forgive me? I’m truly sorry that I gave you that impression. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.”

He looked so sincere that Kathryn began to waver, but then her well-honed sense of self-preservation came to the fore. Emotionally distancing herself, she spoke in a carefully modulated tone. “I know and thank you, but it was thoughtless and foolish of me to have asked in the first place. I should have known better. I’d prefer if we could just forget that it ever happened and go back to how things were.”

Chakotay’s smile faded and his eyes flashed with annoyance. “Do you? Well, I don’t think I can.”

“You have to.”

“I don’t see why I should.”

“You don’t? Well, look what’s happened already. We’re at odds with each other and the entire balance of our friendship and command relationship has been compromised. It’s my fault and I’m willing to take the blame but this is as far as it goes. In deference to our long standing friendship and the need to maintain a workable relationship for the crew and Voyager’s sake, I’m asking you to forget what happened tonight.”

“No.”

“Chakotay!”

“I don’t want to forget it, Kathryn; in fact, I want to do something about it -and I don’t mean talk.”

“Haven’t I made myself clear?”

“Very, but the problem that started all of this still remains. You haven’t had sex in six years and it will be close to another twenty years – if we’re lucky – before we’re back in the Alpha Quadrant. You do the math.” His nostrils flared as he held her gaze. “So, in deference to your mental health and your body’s physical needs, I’m willing to take one for the team.”

Kathryn’s jaw went slack and her mouth hung open – unattractively, she realised, just before she snapped it shut. She couldn’t believe that he’d just ridiculed her perfectly sound argument for a show of common sense. How dare he be so flippant and cavalier when they were talking about something that could destroy all that they’d worked so hard to achieve in the last six years?

She was so confounded that she didn’t anticipate his next move and before she knew what was happening, he pulled her into his arm; his lips landed firmly on hers and he kissed her as though he really meant it.

But she wasn’t having a bar of it and pushed with all her might, finally wrenching herself away from him. Flustered and spitting mad, she hissed at him. “How dare you?”

He didn’t look the least bit chastened and reached for her cheek again. “I love you and I want you.”

Kathryn took a deep breath in anticipation of countering his argument, but upon realising he hadn’t actually made one, his gentle but decisive declaration completely disarmed her.

But she still had one last volley at the ready. “Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place?”

He chuckled and shrugged. “Because all I asked was what you wanted for Christmas. I was expecting an answer along the lines of toenail clippers or bubble bath; I wasn’t expecting to be propositioned. You caught me completely off-guard and to be honest, for a moment I thought my head might explode.”

Thinking back to the scene in his quarters, Kathryn could almost pinpoint the moment his head was close to bursting and suddenly all she could see was the ridiculousness of the situation.

She wasn’t sure if it was hysteria wrought from the previous day’s emotional gymnastics but she was hit by an overwhelming urge to laugh.

It started off as a low chuckle, but as she watched his face relax into a broad smile, the mirth began in earnest and together they guffawed only to end up howling with laughter.

Falling into each other’s arms, they laughed until they cried - happy tears pouring down both their cheeks. They slowly began to calm and as Chakotay cupped her face between his hands and wiped the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs, he sighed happily.

Then he bent towards her once more and whispered softly. “I’m going to kiss you now, Kathryn, and then I’m going to make love to you.”

She was done with arguing and willingly surrendered, but she did have one question. “Here?”

He nodded. “Here will do just fine.”

She shrugged. There would be no more hesitance or indecision. This was ‘the moment’ and in answer, Kathryn stepped back and pulled her top over her head, kicked off her shoes and shimmied out of her pants.

Chakotay’s eyes travelled hungrily down her body, his look sending a trickle of pleasure shivering down her spine. He then stepped away from her and shrugged out of his shirt, toed off his boots and kicked off his pants.

They stood for a long moment facing one another wearing nothing but their underwear.

Kathryn studied his body. She remembered it well from their time on New Earth and those delightful occasions when he would work bare-chested in the heat. And although over the years there had been some softening of those once chiselled edges, he was still broad shouldered and strong. His deep chest tapered down to those familiar narrow hips and although it wasn’t the first time Kathryn had seen him like this, she’d never seen him almost naked and aroused.

Seeing the hard ridge of his penis outlined through the taut material of his briefs sent a surge of need spearing through her and the wanton thoughts that had tormented her for so long - the very same ones that had been the catalyst for today’s near disaster - came rushing back with a vengeance. All she wanted was for him to take her - hard, fast and as soon as possible.

A moment later, she thanked the stars that he could so easily read her mind. He hoisted her onto the console, stripped her panties from her body, unsnapped her bra and tossed it aside. His lips hungrily latched onto her breasts, his mouth suckling hard until her nipples stood red, swollen and aching for more, but Chakotay was now otherwise engaged.

Kathryn gave a guttural moan as he dropped to his knees in front of her, pushed her legs farther apart and pressed his mouth to her. He laved from the taut rim of her vagina to the tight bud of her clitoris and then back again. His lips nipped and sucked at her until she was almost incoherent with arousal. With her hips jerking and juddering, the tender flesh of her centre trembling in readiness, she laughed and cried in delight. When he slid two fingers inside her, she gasped and almost came, but he stood suddenly, his mouth clamped down on hers, swallowing her howl of ecstasy. She was so close.

Kathryn could feel his hardness rubbing up against her; the hot, solidness of him sliding along her inner thigh.

God, she needed him.

She wasn’t sure if she’d said those words aloud but he seemed to know what she wanted and, slipping his fingers from inside her, he pressed the head of his penis against her opening before thrusting into her firmly, but steadily, filling her completely.

The stretch of long unused muscles and tissue bordered on painful but as he began to move in an ever-increasing rhythm, the pain quickly gave way to pleasure, and Kathryn found herself meeting his lunges with jagged thrusts of her own. It wasn’t gentle lovemaking by any means; it was messy, frenzied and…

“Fucking amazing!”

She’d definitely said that aloud.

Chakotay stopped and stared at her for a breathless moment and then moaned, “My God, woman, what are you doing to me?”

His eyes darkened and with a growl, he pushed her legs wider and began to pound into her fiercely while at the same time taking her mouth in a punishing kiss. His pubis bounced against her clit and the rough jolts sent shards of electricity shooting down each nerve until she could take no more. He lunged one final time, grinding himself against her and that was all it took.

Kathryn arched, taut as a bow and came in a series of jolting thrusts, her inner muscles clamping around him, squeezing him until he too howled and orgasmed. The hot wash of his come sent another wave of clenching spasms through her until she was slumped against Chakotay’s chest, completely exhausted. Together they slid to the floor behind the console.

Too deliriously sated to even talk, Kathryn nestled into the cocoon of Chakotay’s embrace and waited until coherent thought returned. The only words tumbling through her head were, thank you, thank you, thank you, but she knew that he wouldn’t want to hear those, so she mumbled the only other words that came to mind.

“Merry Christmas.”

Chakotay opened one eye, looked down at her, and then chuckled happily. “Merry Christmas to you, too.”

Kathryn kissed the soft skin of his neck, slowly working her way to his lips. She nibbled at them, lightly nipping at his full bottom lip before pressing a wet languid kiss to his luscious mouth. She didn’t ever want to leave this spot and she smiled against his lips.

He drew away from the kiss and broke into a grin of his own before gazing at her. “What’s so funny?”

She tucked her head into his shoulder again and stroked lightly over his chest. “I don’t want to leave, so I might have to organise for my office to be moved down here permanently.”

“I’m sure that can be arranged, but it might be easier if we head back to your quarters and sort out the logistics of this new arrangement.”

“I don’t want to put the wrapping back on my present just yet.”

He chuckled. “So that’s all I am, huh? A chattel?”

Kathryn shrugged. “A much loved one.”

He stroked her hair back from her face and smiled. “I’m okay with that.”

“I thought you might be, and I know how to get back to my quarters by magic. Computer, scan this room, lock onto Commander Chakotay and Captain Janeway’s biosigns and all our clothing, then transport them to the Captain’s quarters. Energise.”

They materialised in the middle of Kathryn’s living area, their clothes draped haphazardly over chairs and tables.

Chakotay grinned. “Magic?”

“I’m trying to get into the spirit of the season. Personally, I thought it was a pretty good attempt.”

“Not bad.”

“You think you can do better?”

“I can try.”

“The floor is yours.”

Grinning, he inched towards her. “What a great idea.”

* * *

Two hours later – from the floor - Kathryn decided that he was absolutely right; he was magical and she would never doubt him again.

He’d made love to her once more, slowly and intently – driving her almost insane with his masterful hands and warm insistent lips. She’d never felt anything remotely like this in her life and as she spiralled down from her third (or was it fourth?) climax, she howled to the universe that she loved him.

She was free at last from the stifling and unnatural constraints that had ruled her life for so long and was finally where she was supposed to be - in the arms of her friend, lover and the man who matched her heart and soul.

It was indeed a very Merry Christmas.

Fin

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